Young and Full of Fluff

The fantabulous deepredbelle took my choice excerpts from Rowena Cherry and made icons! I have succesfully infected her mind with the joy horror that is Rowena Cherry. And now I have fantastic new icons for all future posts about bad writing. Mwahahaha!

Because I do not know what is good for me, I read some of Forced Mate by Rowena Cherry. feiran gave a quick glance through and determined that the aliens in this intergalactic royal chess sex slave series are in fact amphibious and do ejaculate into the water, which sounds...not fun. And the heroine is a human who is destined to be the mate of the prince (or something) of this alien race. But not just any human, no! A virgin romance novelist! Who tells the prince to reenact the scenes in her novel to learn how to have sex like a human. Hello, Rowena Sue!

From what I saw, I just have to put a few choice quotes. The hero talking dirty about *erm* a specific body part:
"My love, you're like an elastic creature of the sea."

On how long this particular session will last:
If he was lucky, they might mate three times an hour for the next twenty-one.

This is because he's an alien, of course, and has something called rut-rage. The words "rut rage," "rage rut" and even at one point "rut-rageous" appear over and over. His oaths are things like, "Great fiery balls!" But best of all, truly, is the transition into the next scene. Because not even Rowena Cherry can write a sex scene that lasts twenty-four hours:

One Thousand Loving Thrusts Later

Oh, god -- just four lines later, there's this:
In chess terminology, his little mate was well and truly forked!
What chess have you been playing?

Seriously, Rowena, you're my new favorite author.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

( The worst book cover EVER )

But wait! It gets better. The author has a website! Take a few minutes. Poke around.

You'll find out that all her character names start with "Dj," with a silent D. Names like Djerrold, Djustine, Djonn, Djetthro and Djason. Now that's what I call world-building. That silent "d" makes them soooo alien.

You'll learn that this book is part of a series on intergalactic royal chess sex slaves... or something.

You'll see an "authentic" hill figure in Dorset, England, and, "see what FORCED MATE's alien hero's sarcastic human side-kick has to say about the Giant's 30 linear foot erection."

And there are excerpts! Excerpts! Like the following:
"I want to do it all," he breathed. "I want to make love to you according to the ways of every sexually reproducing species in all the Communicating Worlds. Every one. From frogs to Great Djinn. After that, we'll work up to thrusting Tantric sex."
"Oh, Stars," she gasped.
"And I take that as informed consent."

Wait -- you want to have sex like yeast do? And, uh, flowers? You want to ejaculate in the water and have her swim through it, like a fish? Or, you want her to bite off your head while you copulate, like some insects? What?

I just like the confirmation that there is, in fact, worse erotic writing than you find on ff.net. And this author doesn't even have the excuse of being 13.

ETA: God, this site just keeps getting better and better. Check this out. Do one of the puzzles. Seriously.