Young and Full of Fluff

Being the good little Stargate: Atlantis fans that we are (try as the show might to turn us away), trakkie and I watched David Hewlett's film A Dog's Breakfast. Or, what the Stargate cast and crew did to pass the time during hiatus.

It is written by, directed by, and starring David Hewlett. It also stars his sister (as his sister), his dog (as his dog) and his "best friend" Paul McGillion, with a cameo by Chris Judge. His girlfriend is co-producer. The entire crew is from Stargate, as is one of the producers. They even got the Director of Photography on the Stargates, Jim Menard, who says in a wistful voice in the special features (four featurettes, deleted scenes and a commentary for this dinky film) that he was looking forward to vacation when he got the call, but he's never been able to turn down a job. Hell, the equipment they used was from Stargate, including the hi-def digital cameras. They even used one of the Stargate sets.

All these people? They were being paid "by deferral," which means not at all. David roped all his friends and family into doing this for free.

And after all that, ( A Dog's Breakfast is a turd. )

In my quest to watch all things David Hewlett, I just watched "Boa vs. Python" - one of those crappy direct to video Scifi features. So as to not waste my time (ha!) I put the movie on double-speed for all scenes not featuring DH. Since PowerDVD still plays sound at double speed, this saved time and was still incredibly amusing.

Come see Boa vs. Python for:
-A snake in goggles!
-Jokes about "implants"!
-A hundred-foot snake eating a woman out (and by the sounds she was making, he was better than her boyfriend)!
-As much female nudity as you can have in a film and still get it on the scifi channel! (I swear if they spent half the time and attention on the script as they did on framing shots so they showed tits and ass but nothing else, it would have been ... no it still would have sucked.)
-And - best of all - despite it being a creature vs. creature film, they don't fight! They mate! How wacky is that?

What's really wacky is that David Hewlett is the hunky hero of this film. He even gets the bimbo breast-implanted (and blonde) chick! And he has teh angstz0rz for having lost his younger sister to a snake bite, thus prompting him to walk daily into a cage with an 80-foot python named "Betty."

You know, this film almost works if I just reinvision it as the story Rodney is secretly working on on his laptop. Yeah - that would definitely work. His sister tragically died (instead of torturing him through adolescence), the soldiers sent to protect his scientific self are all killed in stupid acts of heroism, he gets the blonde "brainy" chick who bows to his brilliance and understands his pain and lack of social skills, and he saves the day and is declared a hero by one and all.

Now I have an evil plot bunny of Sheppard finding that story on McKay's computer. Oh man. It is definitely, definitely time to go to sleep.

Netflix is an evil influence. It has led me to continue to rent obscure David Hewlett films just because I can.

Nothing
This is from the director of The Cube and is by far the most bizarre film I've ever seen. Premise: Two losers hate the world so much they make it disappear. That's the first fifteen minutes. The rest of the movie is them figuring out that they can make anything disappear - objects, feelings (like hunger), memories. At one point David Hewlett's character makes the fact that he gives a shit disappear. It certainly is a new take on relationships. Mad at someone? Just wish your anger away.

Of course, they can't make things reappear, so (you can see where this is going) they finish the movie as two disembodied heads, bouncing around like pinballs. They can't go any further than that, since it turns out they don't really hate each other, so they can't make each other disappear. So they bounce off together into the sunset.

Freaking weird.

The movie has two redeeming features. The first - the extremely cute and extremely gay opening credits. The second - about halfway through the film, Hewlett's character is trying to sneak up on the house by crawling. But he's not crawling crawling, he's inching along by sort of doing a push-up, then moving forward on his tippy-toes, then lieing back down again. This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It really defies description.

Hewlett's character (named "David," surprise, surprise) is like Dr. Rodney McKay but with none of the redeeming qualities. He's still self-aggrandizing and egomaniacal, but he's not actually any good at anything. Loo-seer.

Where the Heart Is
This was actually a mainstream movie, starring Uma Thurman and all. I'm not even going to write about the plot because it was so stupid and badly written that it's not worth mentioning.

But the movie (11% on the tomatometer) is worth it because David Hewlett spends the middle third of it dressed as Cupid. Fully body-paint, rouge and lipstick, blonde curly wig, wings, and a feathered thong. I can't even begin to describe to you the absurdity of him playing dramatic scenes in this get-up. If only I could figure out how to screen capture it, I would have the best Hewlett icon ever.

Remember - I rent these things so you don't have to. Up next in the queue - bad Joe Flanigan movies.