(no subject)

[ivyfic]

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...




I don't know what I like best:
-The awfulness of the title and author's pen name!
-The psychedelic colors. They foiled and embossed this sucker, too!
-The indeterminate gender of the figures on the cover!
-The mysterious chess piece on the back!
-The front cover quote from "Survivorman"!
-The back cover copy! I mean, come on: his best tool of seduction bears a damning tattoo. Whoa. The mental image I got from that one.

For those curious, from dictionary.com:
fu'met (n.) - The dung of deer.

But wait! It gets better. The author has a website! Take a few minutes. Poke around.

You'll find out that all her character names start with "Dj," with a silent D. Names like Djerrold, Djustine, Djonn, Djetthro and Djason. Now that's what I call world-building. That silent "d" makes them soooo alien.

You'll learn that this book is part of a series on intergalactic royal chess sex slaves... or something.

You'll see an "authentic" hill figure in Dorset, England, and, "see what FORCED MATE's alien hero's sarcastic human side-kick has to say about the Giant's 30 linear foot erection."

And there are excerpts! Excerpts! Like the following:
"I want to do it all," he breathed. "I want to make love to you according to the ways of every sexually reproducing species in all the Communicating Worlds. Every one. From frogs to Great Djinn. After that, we'll work up to thrusting Tantric sex."
"Oh, Stars," she gasped.
"And I take that as informed consent."

Wait -- you want to have sex like yeast do? And, uh, flowers? You want to ejaculate in the water and have her swim through it, like a fish? Or, you want her to bite off your head while you copulate, like some insects? What?

I just like the confirmation that there is, in fact, worse erotic writing than you find on ff.net. And this author doesn't even have the excuse of being 13.

ETA: God, this site just keeps getting better and better. Check this out. Do one of the puzzles. Seriously.

Comments

[bubbleslayer.livejournal.com]

But for some reason, I can't get published....

[bubbleslayer.livejournal.com]

ETA: God, this site just keeps getting better and better. Check this out. Do one of the puzzles. Seriously.

OMG! I'm a lemming so I just had to go try it..

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Close-up shots of hairy nipples! And - fireworks! FIREWORKS!

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Would you really want to get published by a company that published this? Especially under an imprint titled "Love Spell"?

Though, dude. The plot doesn't sound that much weirder than some crack fic I've seen.

[bubbleslayer.livejournal.com]

LOL, true, very true...

[sasha-b.livejournal.com]

OMG.

That's the funniest fucking thing I've seen all day.

"Tigron?" What is this, the Thundercats?

[(Anonymous)]

i quite agree, but my post has nothing to do with this. :-P have you seen this?! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/4801161.stm?ls the demon barber!
-mithras

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[(Anonymous)]

is that good or bad? :-P

[(Anonymous)]

-sorry - that was me - mithras :-P

[moonlightalice.livejournal.com]

where'd you find this??? i have to say, i read a lot of paranormal romances for tor (both solicited and unsolicited) and this is sadly not the worst i've seen. i believe i told you about the one where "his penis pointed accusingly at her" (my personal favorite). and who knew that paraplegic psychic sex existed? ah, the things you learn in publishing.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

One of the editors in the office gets batches of cover flats from other houses (don't know why) and this was one of them.

I know it gets worse than this. I read some Tor slush that involved someone being stabbed by a petrified penis. Or my personal favorite (describing a priest giving oral sex to another priest): "paid obeisance at the altar of turgid manhood."

"Survival isn't just a matter of making out"

[geekturnedvamp.livejournal.com]

I remember looking at FORCED MATE and reading an excerpt online when it first came out because hey, what's not to love about intergalactic royal chess sex slaves, but I hadn't realized the full extent of the problems with the execution... And I have mixed feelings about LoveSpell/Dorchester because their willingness to publish books like this one means that sometimes they end up with things that other houses won't publish (because they need too much editing or are just pushing the envelope and breaking the usual romance genre rules in some way) which turn out to be really interesting, although the downside is you often end up with stuff like this series.

Re: "Survival isn't just a matter of making out"

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

I don't know anything else by the publisher, so I can't tell if this is typical. There's definitely a place for small publishers in niche markets, but I don't understand why something like this ever needs to see the light of day. (Though I sort of want a copy now... You think I should write the author and compliment her on her witty satire of the romance genre?)

I actually looked up the numbers for FORCED MATE and it sold a whole lot better than I would have expected. Guess there's a market for intergalactic royal chess sex slaves after all.

Also -- hey! You still exist!

Re: "Survival isn't just a matter of making out"

[geekturnedvamp.livejournal.com]

LoveSpell is kind of like... I want to stay the last stop in print publishing before you go to small press/POD/Ellora's Cave, but I feel like that sounds negative in a way I don't entirely intend--and these books do sell! I mean, I would actually pay to read a GOOD book about intergalactic royal chess sex slaves (and why hasn't that been a flashfic challenge yet?) but that could just be me.

And I know I have been a major flake for the past two months, but I am around and boss-less until after Labor Day so we should finally have lunch!

[svilleficrecs.livejournal.com]

Better than a 30 cubic foot erection. Or is it?

Damn you, 10 year old math skills!