(no subject)

[ivyfic]

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...




I don't know what I like best:
-The awfulness of the title and author's pen name!
-The psychedelic colors. They foiled and embossed this sucker, too!
-The indeterminate gender of the figures on the cover!
-The mysterious chess piece on the back!
-The front cover quote from "Survivorman"!
-The back cover copy! I mean, come on: his best tool of seduction bears a damning tattoo. Whoa. The mental image I got from that one.

For those curious, from dictionary.com:
fu'met (n.) - The dung of deer.

But wait! It gets better. The author has a website! Take a few minutes. Poke around.

You'll find out that all her character names start with "Dj," with a silent D. Names like Djerrold, Djustine, Djonn, Djetthro and Djason. Now that's what I call world-building. That silent "d" makes them soooo alien.

You'll learn that this book is part of a series on intergalactic royal chess sex slaves... or something.

You'll see an "authentic" hill figure in Dorset, England, and, "see what FORCED MATE's alien hero's sarcastic human side-kick has to say about the Giant's 30 linear foot erection."

And there are excerpts! Excerpts! Like the following:
"I want to do it all," he breathed. "I want to make love to you according to the ways of every sexually reproducing species in all the Communicating Worlds. Every one. From frogs to Great Djinn. After that, we'll work up to thrusting Tantric sex."
"Oh, Stars," she gasped.
"And I take that as informed consent."

Wait -- you want to have sex like yeast do? And, uh, flowers? You want to ejaculate in the water and have her swim through it, like a fish? Or, you want her to bite off your head while you copulate, like some insects? What?

I just like the confirmation that there is, in fact, worse erotic writing than you find on ff.net. And this author doesn't even have the excuse of being 13.

ETA: God, this site just keeps getting better and better. Check this out. Do one of the puzzles. Seriously.

Comments

[moonlightalice.livejournal.com]

where'd you find this??? i have to say, i read a lot of paranormal romances for tor (both solicited and unsolicited) and this is sadly not the worst i've seen. i believe i told you about the one where "his penis pointed accusingly at her" (my personal favorite). and who knew that paraplegic psychic sex existed? ah, the things you learn in publishing.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

One of the editors in the office gets batches of cover flats from other houses (don't know why) and this was one of them.

I know it gets worse than this. I read some Tor slush that involved someone being stabbed by a petrified penis. Or my personal favorite (describing a priest giving oral sex to another priest): "paid obeisance at the altar of turgid manhood."