Ah, bad sci fi

[ivyfic]

The last few weeks have apparently been for me to catch up on classic genre film series.

Blade II
Hm… Can't really say how I felt about this one. It was the movie equivalent of a dungeon crawl. I actually found myself thinking at the end of the first hour, right, you need to have the first battle sequence where they lose to prove how bad-ass the villains are; then the second battle where they win, then realize the villain's not who they thought it was; then the final battle sequence against the actual bad guy. And that's pretty much exactly what happened. There was a lot of bad CGI fight sequences with CG stunt doubles, and they certainly went out of their way to make this one as gory as possible. In the end it didn't really feel like a movie (wait—there's a plot? and dialogue?) so much as a video game demo.

Blade Trinity
Okay, this movie is terrible. And at the same time the most fun of the Blade movies to watch. Ryan Reynolds? Awesome. Blade actually getting funny dialogue? Awesome. ("Koochy-koochy-koo.") Jessica Biel—god, I don't even know what was going on there with the long lingering shots of her fiddling with iTunes. Is that where the budget for this movie came from? Cause wouldn't it be a bad thing to not be able to hear people approaching in a battle?

I also have to spend a moment whining about the archery. There's a montage in the middle of the film that shows her "using" her grief to become a better fighter by shooting arrows faster and faster with her bow. And here's the thing—you can't do that. Especially with a compound bow. Unless she's fiddling with the pulleys in between takes. Compound bows are designed to shoot at one speed—that's kind of the point. They have elliptical pulleys so when you draw past a certain point it will apply the same amount of force to every shot. This is what makes compound bows so accurate. On a traditional bow, if you pull back to different points your arrow will go different speeds with every shot, and since you have to compensate for the distance the arrow will drop before it hits the target, this is a bad thing. In conclusion, the only way to shoot faster and faster is to trade bows for one with more resistance. My brain just hurt during that montage—yes, I know, that's what made my brain hurt. As opposed to the rest of the film.

For all that this movie is a Mary Sue fic, they actually had a few good ideas in here, like the vampires siccing the police on Blade (cause, duh), and the saran wrapped food source. If only they didn't keep killing Whistler and bringing him back and killing him and then trying to pass off Jessica Biel as the daughter "born later, out of wedlock." Who talks like that?

This is for you, trinityvixen. I can see how this movie would inspire fic, but given how incredibly self-indulgent and bad the film is, I can't see any way for the vast vast majority of the fic not to suck. I'm going to leave you on your own in that quest.

Pitch Black
This pretty much rocked. It was a straight formula horror film, but very well executed. The cinematography was beautiful, the creatures unique and terrifying, and the sequences after dark where you only get glimpses of how completely surrounded they are really worked for me. I was wrong as to the order the people would die (I was figuring the antiques collector for much earlier, and I was surprised how quickly Claudia Black bit it), but not at all surprised at who died. What worked really well for me was that our heroine, Fry, is introduced to us at her moment of greatest cowardice, and she spends the rest of the movie trying to redeem herself. Vin Diesel is captivating to watch, but in the end I feel like Fry was the more morally ambiguous character. And that's what made the film work—that even with such a standard plot, they populated it with complicated characters. Had they just dropped in your average hero types, it would have been a pretty boring film.

The Chronicles of Riddick
Wow. This really sucked. It was beautiful—I remember seeing the trailers in theaters and thinking how amazing it looked. The production design was gorgeous. Unfortunately, it was also very matte painting in style, so once you put actual actors into those elaborate suits of armor they wind up looking ridiculous. Especially when you take the beautiful Karl Urban and give him the most hideous haircut I've ever seen.

Not a single thing about the plot in this movie worked. It was a mess. The Necromongers might have been scary—had we not been brought inside their world and been forced to listen to dialogue worse than anything Urban had to say on Xena. The bits of continuity they brought over from Pitch Black they ruined. I'm supposed to believe that Riddick was left in a dumpster with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck not by his mother, which was the clear implication in Pitch Black, but by the all powerful leader of the Necromongers? He went down to strangle newborns individually? Really? Even though he has world destroying technology that he has no problem using?

This one was bad, but in a way that was mostly pretty to look at. I feel no need to ever watch it again, though.

Comments

[mclittlebitch.livejournal.com]

I am in total agreement on all points. Except I must mention the awesome factor upgrade of Blade II due to the presence of Ron Perlman.

the long lingering shots of her fiddling with iTunes.
God that drove me nuts. Wouldn't you think having headphones on while going into battle would be a BAD idea?

Especially when you take the beautiful Karl Urban and give him the most hideous haircut I've ever seen.
dukeofdampness and I refer to that as the 'mullethawk', as it combines the worst qualities of both styles. Really, the only redeeming feature of that movie is the stories about Vin Diesel's puppydog-crush on Judi Dench. He tried to get her to play D&D, an image which never fails to make me laugh.

Have you watched Doom? It's my favorite Terrible Karl Urban Movie (though I haven't seen Pathfinder yet.)

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Have you watched Doom? It's my favorite Terrible Karl Urban Movie

That movie nauseated me. The camera effects just completely ruined it. And it's a damn shame because holy hell, Karl Urban was fucking hot in that.

[mclittlebitch.livejournal.com]

So hot! Even though the love interest was his sister (or because of it, if you're into that kind of thing.)

I'm sorry the camerawork ruined the hotness for you. The first-person shooter bit definately annoyed me.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

The problem with the camera work of that ilk is that the first-person pov is not under my control. I'm sitting still while the viewpoint I have is going wildly all over the place. This is why I almost threw up when I went to see Diary of the Dead which is filmed as a video recording taken by zombie holocaust survivors. If you can't control the motion and some of your senses report throwing about that you can't confirm with the rest of your senses, it's just nauseating.

Doom was worse by the fact that the first-person pov was entirely animated (I couldn't watch all of it, but from what I saw, this is generally true). So it bobs around without anything like a real world reference.

And yes, there was the brother-sister romance thing. Also, didn't Karl Urban turn infected by the monster stuff or something? But he killed the Sarge and the other guys who were monsters...? God, I refuse to rewatch this to determine this was the case. I caught the vibes of inappropriateness off the brother-sister thing and that was more than enough...

[mclittlebitch.livejournal.com]

I can save you from another viewing: As far as I could tell, you had to be a bad person on the inside to turn into a monster. If you're not, you just get super-strong or whatever. Yes, seriously, it's the monster serum of moral relativism.

And speaking of relatives... the first time I saw the movie I tuned in around halfway through. Made the "you're not a monster, you're my brother" bit one hell of a shock.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Yes, seriously, it's the monster serum of moral relativism.


That's terrific. I'm going to remember that and nothing else. Besides the fact that Karl Urban is so stupidly hot in it that even his sister wants to do him.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

The problem with the camera work of that ilk is that the first-person pov is not under my control.
I'm with you there. I have no desire to see Blair Witch, but even if I did, I know it would make me puke before the halfway mark. Can't handle jiggly cam.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I'd tell you to avoid Diary of the Dead, but that one will safely go by you anyway as it is a zombie movie.

But don't watch Cloverfield either, FYI.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Even though the love interest was his sister
That strangely makes me want to see it...

I jsut found out that the movie Wild Things initially had an incest angle that was censored. As if that movie needed to violate even more taboos.

[mclittlebitch.livejournal.com]

That strangely makes me want to see it...
It's even acknowledged! She's introduced as "Dr. Samantha Grimm", they snipe at each other about him leaving, and once she's out of earshot one of his squadmates starts teasing him about 'letting that fine ass get away' until he grouches that she's his sister, at which point the other soldier says in confusion "no shit!?" It's like they wrote the script with Sam as the love interest and then changed it halfway through filming.

Vin Diesel needs to play a character half as interesting as he seems to be in real life. An elf-mage who sends flowers backstage to both Judi Dench and Maggie Smith after seeing a play they were in v. growly dumb action dude? No contest.

Oh, Karl Urban in Xena. I love that they changed his hair color and assumed we wouldn't notice they were re-using the actor.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Dude, didn't you know there are only five actors in New Zealand? Just like there are only five actors in Toronto...

Oh man, I <3 Vin Diesel. I've been stumbling across meta lately about how fans try to insert themselves into the things they are fans of, not just through Mary Sues, but through writing the characters/actors as more like us, and you know, Vin Diesel's already like that. He is the epitome of all that the fan would like to be, while still remaining a fan. He's like the Joss Whedon of action stars.

[mclittlebitch.livejournal.com]

there are only five actors in New Zealand

Empire Magazine did the maths and something like one out of every twelve citizens of New Zealand was somehow involved with LotR.

He's like the Joss Whedon of action stars.
I am so using that description the next time I end up telling people how geeky he is in real life.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Wikipedia confirms that he has a tattoo of the name of his elf-mage character, "Melkor," on his back, and that he loves World of Warcraft. You know, you say those things about any other guy and they are usually followed by, "GEEEEEEK!" and "never been laid in his life." Yeah.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Of course, I only know Ron Perlman from the Highlander episode where he told Richie he was Methos…

This is why I love Vin Diesel. I mean, I'd love him anyway cause he rocks, but he goes home to play an elf-mage in D&D, when most D&D players are pictured as scrawny teens role-playing someone like, well, Vin Diesel. One of us! One of us!

I have never watched Doom. I'm with trinityvixen: handheld makes me nauseous. The first time I watched the Cops episode of X-Files I had to lie down cause I felt like I was going to puke. That and I've never played the game, and the ads made it look like ten minutes of dialogue followed by two hours of annoyingly shot killing stuff. So I gave it a miss. Besides, all I need to see of Karl Urban is covered (or rather, not covered) in his bronzed Cupid get up, and I have that on DVD.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

But he's dirty and has a better haircut in Doom. To solve this dilemma, look at the movie stills. (They don't bounce all over the screen, and you can avoid the movie!)

[gryphonrose.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed Blade II--it was so much better than Blade, which I hated except for the opening rave scene--and I never saw Blade Trinity (I was warned). I definitely agree on the Riddick movies, though--we really liked Pitch Black and were horrified by Chronicles of Riddick.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I liked Blade II better, too. Ron Pearlman was fabulous as always, and I really like the side-kick character Blade had picked up (and who was OF COURSE the bad guy's inside man). The humor really made the movie for me. But you're right: the rave scene in Blade is pretty much incomparable.

[gryphonrose.livejournal.com]

I just think everything about Blade II is better, barring that opening rave scene--if the entire movie had been as good as that one scene, Blade would have been an awesome film. Instead it was a piece of poorly plotted, badly written, stiffly acted crap. Not that I have strong opinions about this, of course. :)

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Blade just wigged me mightily for some reason. I dunno why--arguably, Blade II has more graphically horrific scenes, but the vampires exploding from EDTA (OH GOD, MY SCIENCE) really bugged me. As did the bit with the home-bound fat vampire and the vampires pulling the old guard vampire's teeth out with pliers before killing it. It was vulgar grossness. The reapers in II were just zombies, so I could handle that.

And have strong opinions! I do! More people should!

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Also, Ebert was right that Blade II is a vomitorium of viscera. You did not warn me about the reaper who ripped the sword out through his gut, and you could see bits of intestine hanging as he scuttled away. You know I don't watch zombie films cause they gross me out, right?

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Shoot. I haven't seen Blade II in about five+ years now, so I didn't remember that at all. I remember the crazy vampires-of-vampires and their freakish mouths as being the most disturbing and that's really all I remember. Sorry dude!

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

I find I'm rather meh about Blade. On the one hand, I heard so much about how iconic it was. On the other, it just looks so woefully pre-Matrix to me. The CG is just terrible. Blade II, though, just felt like going through the motions. I felt like Blade showed some more interesting things about the world. Blade II just walked through a predictable series of escalating fight sequences. Not a bad thing on its own, but the fight sequences weren't good enough for me to admire the way I would a film like Ong-Bak.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, now I look back on it, I'm pretty mortified by the Blade Trinity fanfic binge. I maintain that there was nothing else filling the void. But there were questions raised that were cool, and if I could have spent about thirty more years with Ryan Reynolds' character, I'd have been a happy soppy fangirl. I mean, funny AND ripped. ::drool::

We talked about this, but I have to say I loved that no one was entirely good or bad in Pitch Black. Even the mercenary character, Johns, had his moments. He was a pragmatist, first and foremost--his attempt to entice Riddick to kill Jack for the sake of the rest of them wasn't entirely evil seen from that perspective. He also had a totally legitimate dislike of Riddick, since he was in constant pain (save for his spikes) due to a spinal injury Riddick had inflicted. It's amazing how much history, of all the characters, that they managed to get into the movie.

And Vin Diesel was mesmerizing. He's now a parody of himself, but when I first saw Pitch Black he gave me the shivers as Riddick. There was so much character to that character. You have the killer-as-animal, literally, in the voice-over at the start, but there's also a healthy shading of killer-as-us-in-a-mirror-darkly. Mostly, he conforms to absolutely no stereotype of killer--neither berserker or blood-luster or cerebral serial killer. He alone shows no disgust for the creatures on the planet; he doesn't fear them, he just understands that they have to eat and he is opposed to them eating him.

I think I mentioned it, but he's sort of an angel or an oracle. The fact that he was nearly murdered at birth points to his being a miracle. (His speech to the Imam, "I absolutely believe in God. And I absolutely hate the fucker" is more proof of his sacredness in the style of Lucifer.) Fry is, as you say, the morally ambiguous heroine and rightful star, but part of her evolution is to overcome the fear she started with and make the sacrifice on behalf of the others that she couldn't do. She has to look at Riddick and see what survival-at-any-costs means. He is her mirror darkly. (Unfortunately, when you're in a race for survival against an angel, you're not going to win.)

Chronicles of Riddick is good for a laugh. But if Riddick is an angel, he can't be God. Angels are messengers only, not rulers. When they try to be rulers it is a disaster. They tried to make him a knowable quantity, one in which to have faith as opposed one to learn from, and it just didn't work. I want to see the cartoon they did for between the movies, "Dark Fury," see if that's any better. I mean, how could it be worse?

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

But there were questions raised that were cool, and if I could have spent about thirty more years with Ryan Reynolds' character, I'd have been a happy soppy fangirl.
I agree. The problem is, next to Reynolds, who has that typically tragic angsty past that you can just get away with in a genre flick, you have Jessica Biel whose character is fucking absurd. There's just no way to get around how unbelievable that character is, not when the movie is trying to give her backstory by using clips of Whistler from the first film where he was telling his tragic past to someone else entirely. It just--everything about that character sucked. So other than just ignoring her, I don't know how you work around her in fic. I'd just expect that she'd suck the life out of whatever story by her mere presence.

I think you're right about Riddick as mirror/oracle. I kept thinking in Chronicles of Riddick, gosh, Vin's a lot better when he's not in the lead. I don't know about that since the only other film I've seen of his is The Fast and the Furious where he also isn't the main character, but it's certainly true of Riddick. Not interesting when he's not reflecting anyone.

I also thought Pitch Black was really not about Riddick's redemption. It could have been a movie like Con Air with that set up, but it wasn't. I don't feel Riddick has changed by the end. As I said to you--I think he's challenging Fry to change at the end of the film when he seems to be abandoning them, not regressing morally himself. He seems to be one of those classic Western bad guys with honor. He's killed people yeah, but you get the impression he had to to survive. He's tried to kill the bounty hunter before, but only because the bounty hunter went after him. His philosophy seems to be more kill or be killed--he doesn't just kill people for no reason, though he amply shows that he could if he wanted to. Which then obviously parallels him with the creatures, especially with his opening voiceover.

I felt like Chronicles of Riddick had a hint of an idea about offering him leadership of the Necromongers and having him take it without being conflicted about it--I see where they were trying to go--but it just really didn't work. There were other hints of interesting ideas--like challenging Riddick with his role as hero, that he's let Jack down by abandoning her, which he clearly didn't expect. But again, poorly handled.

I'm not sure how good the cartoon would be since didn't Riddick say he'd spent the last five years on that ice planet? That doesn't sound terribly interesting.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

To be fair to Jessica Biel, she had a kick-ass character intro and she looked credibly built a la Linda Hamilton to kick the ass that she did. The fact that humans were able to beat up vampires sort of destroyed the whole "vampires are way strong! only Blade is even close to them in strength!" meme of the series. In fic, I work around her by making her more of a leader. She and King had a friends-with-benefits thing going on that is totally shallow and makes for fun writing for him and self-insertion for me. Hell, I'd switch places and do Jessica Biel if I could. Hottie!

He seems to be one of those classic Western bad guys with honor.
Very apt comparison (I say with total authority after one class a year ago on this). There's a disinterestedness to his character that does not permit him to be hero or villain because heroes and villains both want something. Riddick seems desire-less, which is why I make the angel comparison; he is not something that you tempt, but something that tempts. He is not immoral but amoral. Earn his respect, he leaves you alone. That is the mistake Jack makes in idolizing him--being him doesn't mean he cares for you. That's the mistake Chronicles of Riddick makes in trying to elevate him to hero. The only thing that read right in that was his foisting Jack off on the Imam--he might understand the responsibility Jack gives him to the point of seeing that she's safe, but she won't be his concern once he moves on. She's only ever a liability.

I don't know what "Dark Fury" covers, but I'd be really interested to learn what the plot of "Escape from Butcher Bay" was. (That was the pre-Pitch Black game with Riddick.) It might give more insight into the character's origins. Or, like Chronicles just screw it up. Gee, which is more likely do you think?

For all that I pretend to have a crush on him, I've seen surprisingly few of Vin Diesel's movies. I meant to see Find Me Guilty, I heard he was good in that. I've seen The Fast and the Furious, which was just Point Break for the streets instead of the beaches, so there wasn't much doing there. XXX, well, I have a soft spot for how ridiculous that movie is. There's just no way any of it makes sense, but it's silly and funny in parts enough to justify watching it.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Apparently he also produced and starred in a short film called Multi-Facial. There is just so much wrong in that.

[sasha-b.livejournal.com]

I LOVE Pitch Black. One of my favorite sci-fi movies of all time. Somewhat predictable, yes, but the ending made me gasp and I hadn't expected it, so there you go.

Plus, Riddick is so fucking cool. *laughs*

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Yes, he's definitely cool. I had to rewind some bits and put the subtitles on, though, cause Vin Diesel seriously mumbles sometimes.