A/N: Balance of Days
Dec. 11th, 2007 02:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ivyficSome thoughts on my story Balance of Days and why I wrote it and why I didn't post it for so long. So, obviously, spoilers for the story.
Author's Notes, the Extended Self-Indulgent Edition
I started writing this in February because I desperately wanted some stories where one of the brothers thinks the other one is dead, but he really isn't. It seemed obvious to me that there would be stories like this out there—I mean, for each of the brothers, losing the other is their worst nightmare, so it seemed like the perfect thing to explore in fic since the show would never go there (or so I thought). Like I giant red button that says "do not press," I had to push it; I just had to see what grief would be like for these boys. Which is how I ended up writing this thing.
And then AHBL aired and they actually killed Sam, and now we have a canon version of Dean grieving for Sam. I wouldn't change that for the world, but part of me was watching it and going no! That's not how I thought it would go at all! I had a completely different version of Dean's grief, which is why I didn't post the story for so long.
Originally, I wanted to show Dean through the years after losing Sam, and show that though he'd never get over it, he would get on with his life. Hence the title "Balance of Days"—it was supposed to be the rest of Dean's days after losing Sam. But then I decided that was too much work and too depressing (and I have enough depressing stories already, dammit!) and it turned into this.
What I really wanted to show (and I don't think I did) is that the brothers would be okay in the end. I have seen so many stories in so many fandoms (yes, I'm looking at you, Sentinel fandom) where one half of an OTP loses the other, and they stop eating and spend their days staring out at the ocean with tears in their eyes, alternately having psychotic episodes and cutting themselves. And just—no. Most main characters in most fandoms are functional people. Damaged, maladjusted, self-destructive, yes, but they do manage to get by day to day without killing themselves.
It's easy to imagine Sam continuing on without Dean, but given how much of everything Dean does is about Sam, it would be too easy, I think, to think of him as just giving up and shrivelling away if Sam died. But I think he's stronger than that. He would never recover, but he'd keep going, cause that's what people do. People suffer losses and are damaged by them but they still live their lives, and I think for Dean, his loss would be shown to be more profound if he did continue on hunting on his own.
Of course I didn't really explore that in this story since I focussed on the immediate aftermath of the loss, but I also wanted to show the difference in their grief, and what that means about how differently each viewed the other. Sam lost his protector and his role model, but Dean lost his purpose. Which is why Sam focussed on the problem-solving (why did this happen) and Dean just ran (though I think he'd've gotten off that bed at the Roadhouse eventually).
Then AHBL comes along and completely eradicates my view of Dean muddling through in the aftermath of loss. What the show gave us was a Dean so desperate and devestated that he literally could not function without Sam. So much for me seeing him as a stronger person...
Author's Notes, the Extended Self-Indulgent Edition
I started writing this in February because I desperately wanted some stories where one of the brothers thinks the other one is dead, but he really isn't. It seemed obvious to me that there would be stories like this out there—I mean, for each of the brothers, losing the other is their worst nightmare, so it seemed like the perfect thing to explore in fic since the show would never go there (or so I thought). Like I giant red button that says "do not press," I had to push it; I just had to see what grief would be like for these boys. Which is how I ended up writing this thing.
And then AHBL aired and they actually killed Sam, and now we have a canon version of Dean grieving for Sam. I wouldn't change that for the world, but part of me was watching it and going no! That's not how I thought it would go at all! I had a completely different version of Dean's grief, which is why I didn't post the story for so long.
Originally, I wanted to show Dean through the years after losing Sam, and show that though he'd never get over it, he would get on with his life. Hence the title "Balance of Days"—it was supposed to be the rest of Dean's days after losing Sam. But then I decided that was too much work and too depressing (and I have enough depressing stories already, dammit!) and it turned into this.
What I really wanted to show (and I don't think I did) is that the brothers would be okay in the end. I have seen so many stories in so many fandoms (yes, I'm looking at you, Sentinel fandom) where one half of an OTP loses the other, and they stop eating and spend their days staring out at the ocean with tears in their eyes, alternately having psychotic episodes and cutting themselves. And just—no. Most main characters in most fandoms are functional people. Damaged, maladjusted, self-destructive, yes, but they do manage to get by day to day without killing themselves.
It's easy to imagine Sam continuing on without Dean, but given how much of everything Dean does is about Sam, it would be too easy, I think, to think of him as just giving up and shrivelling away if Sam died. But I think he's stronger than that. He would never recover, but he'd keep going, cause that's what people do. People suffer losses and are damaged by them but they still live their lives, and I think for Dean, his loss would be shown to be more profound if he did continue on hunting on his own.
Of course I didn't really explore that in this story since I focussed on the immediate aftermath of the loss, but I also wanted to show the difference in their grief, and what that means about how differently each viewed the other. Sam lost his protector and his role model, but Dean lost his purpose. Which is why Sam focussed on the problem-solving (why did this happen) and Dean just ran (though I think he'd've gotten off that bed at the Roadhouse eventually).
Then AHBL comes along and completely eradicates my view of Dean muddling through in the aftermath of loss. What the show gave us was a Dean so desperate and devestated that he literally could not function without Sam. So much for me seeing him as a stronger person...
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Date: 2007-12-15 05:52 pm (UTC)In a world where they had never come across the crossroads demon, or in a world where John had never sold his soul for Dean and Dean wasn’t convinced his life was debt anyway, if soul selling wasn't almost routine and at the forefront of Dean's mind because of the events of the past year, I don't know if he would have done the same thing. Maybe, maybe not. But if he didn't, or if there was no crossroad demon and no opportunity to sell your soul, then eventually Dean would have gone back to functioning and "being okay" even if he never forgot or stopped missing Sam. Do you know what I mean? Bargaining is one of the stages of grief that many people go through, except they do it with God to no avail, the fact that Dean had a real power to go to that wanted something huge in return is as much a reflection of the world he lives in as it is how strong a person he was. In his weakest most desperate moments he was reckless, but he had pretty unique life circumstances.
Not to say I condone or excuse the deal (I mean, I do, because I'm totally sure that it will somehow be negated or delayed because there'd be no show, but it was an awful awful decision in the moment for Dean and Sam- they can't know that they're being set up for the next year's plot arc!) but I think you should consider everything. Not that I feel you're bashing Dean or being unfair, I agree with what you said and hate non-functioning, despair forever fanfiction grief, but I don't think AHBL was that, I think it was grief that had an unfortunate outlet at the worst moment.
Tish (leticia.dw@gmail.com)