disney disney disney

[ivyfic]

I am going to Disney in a few weeks. I have a work trip in Orlando, at a Disney hotel, and they allowed us to extend the stay at a discounted rate, so that's what I did.

Weirdly, S was in Orlando in September and I mandated that she go to Disney. She'd never been to a theme park--never been to Florida at all--so I told her she had to go to Disney World if she wanted to understand America. (Her verdict was that it was very good but not worth the money. And that's going on one of the least crowded days!)

So I am now going to Disney separately from S. We have decided that global happiness is increased in this manner. Also--there are so many places I want to travel that it's hard to justify spending the time and money on Disney World, even though it's prime people watching. But since I was going anyway so I'm just paying the park ticket and a few nights of hotel, that seems worth it to me.

I've actually been to the Orlando theme parks quite a lot. My grandmother lived in Winter Park, so any time we went to visit her, we also hit the parks. But the last time I went to any Disney property was 2000. (I went to Universal for a work event in 2019, but that is a different animal when they've rented out a park for the evening.)

Since the fun of travel is planning for me, I have spent a lot of time on websites with names like mousehacking. I have a spreadsheet. It seems like the Genie+ era requires less optimization than the Fastpass+ era, but there's still lots you CAN plan in advance.

Basically, it now seems like a visit to the park combines two of my least favorite activities: refreshing a website looking for availability AND waiting in line. It's like trying to see Daniel Radcliffe in Merrily We Roll Along and also like trying to see Shakespeare in the Park. I mean--I've discovered that you can see the wait times for every ride in the park on any given day from their app, whether you have a ticket for that day or not. Which means I can vicariously stress about how long I will spend waiting from home! Yay!

I also bought "The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World" which is a surprisingly entertaining book. It contains a lot of write-ins from users of the book/associated website. For example:

The Spouse's Bill of Rights
1. We will not see everything in one vacation, and any attempt to do so may be met with blunt trauma.
2. Len Testa [one of the authors of the guide] will not be vacationing with us. His plans don't schedule time for benches.
3. We may deviate from the touring plans at some point. Really.
4. Even if it isn't on the Disney Dining Plan, a funnel cake or other snack may be purchased without a grouchy face from the nonpurchasing spouse.
5. Sometimes, sitting by the pool may sound more fun than than going to a park, show, or other scheduled event. On this vacation, that will be fine.
6. "But I thought we were going to..." is a phrase that must be stricken from the discussion of any plans that had not been previously discussed as a couple.

I read the whole chapter on traveling to Disney with kids even though I will be going alone because it's just that entertaining. It contains a section on how children get lost in the park (there are bathrooms with two entrances, for example). In the section on maintaining discipline, it has an example of a kid who did something so over the line, one parent took him back to the hotel and then they hired a sitter to sit with him in the hotel room for the rest of the trip while everyone else went back to the park. (And they don't say what he did! I need to know!) They have a section on strategies for waiting in line. It contains this:

"Throw Yourself on the Grenade, Mildred!" For saintly, long-suffering parents who are determined to sacrifice themselves on behalf of their kids, we provide the opposite of a waiting-line strategy: the Magic Kingdom one-day touring plan called the Dumbo-or-Die-in-a-Day Touring Plan. Don't let the cutesy name fool you: This plan guarantees that you'll go home battered and exhausted. On the upside, it's cheaper than a $4,000 VIP tour--and it really works. Anyone under age 8 will love it!

Then in the back of the book, they have a number of tear-out pages with touring plans. This is Dumbo-or-Die-in-a-Day:

1. Arrive at the Magic Kingdom entrance 40 minutes before official opening.
2. As soon as the park opens, ride Seven Dwarfs Mine Train.
3. Take Peter Pan's Flight.
4. Tour the Haunted Mansion.
5. Ride the Magic Carpets of Aladdin.
6. Take the Jungle Cruise.
7. Experience Pirates of the Caribbean.
8. Take the It's a Small World boat ride.
9. Eat lunch.
10. Take the raft to Tom Sawyer Island.
11. See the Country Bear Jamboree.
12. See Mickey's Philharmagic.
13. Ride Under the Sea.
14. Try the Barnstormer.
15. Ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant twice.
16. Ride the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.
17. Meet some princesses at Princess Fairytale Hall.
18. Try Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin.
19. Eat dinner.
20. Meet Mickey Mouse at Town Square Theater.
21. See Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor.
22. Take a spin on the Tomorrowland Speedway.
23. See the Enchanted Fireworks show.

If you have ever been to Disney World, you know that is FUCKING INSANE. Aside from being a 14-hour day, most of those rides have 30-60 minute waits. That is guaranteed to get everyone so tired and hungry they end up screaming and kicking their heels on the pavement. But I guess the authors know the audience for their book.

I mean, this is a book that includes a pre-Disney walking regimen.

I expect I will go on one or two rides and remember I don't like roller coasters or motion simulators then people watch and shop. And I'm a grown up so I can spend money on a theme park ticket and then just use it to hang out. Also, this guidebook pointed out it is entirely possible to wait in a queue for a ride--many of which have exhibits and pre-shows and loads of interesting stuff--and then not go on the ride, so I may do that.

Also, I fully intend to go to all the weird, old, futurism of the sixties stuff that's still there and has no wait times because why the hell would you ride Carousel of Progress in 2022?

Anyway, my brain is 100% Disney now. Which almost guarantees that I get a headache and a sunburn when I'm there.

Before someone hops in the comments to mention--I have of course seen Defunctland's Fastpass documentary. I love that shit. I've watched it three times now. I rewatched a bunch of videos on Defunctland and Yesterworld when I booked this. Have to have the bizarre history of EPCOT front of mind to properly take in the experience.

Comments

[misbegotten]

I love The Unofficial Guide! They are so funny and yet practical.

[jethrien]

When we went as a family back in the 90s, my dad had one of the optimization books and we did the 90s equivalent of Dumbo-or-Die-in-a-Day. For each park, one after another, with an additional day at Kennedy Space Center. We vacationed HARD when I was kid.

[fairest]

I'm excited for the post-Disney follow-up post. :)