Twilight

[ivyfic]

pages 1-100 OMG My life sucks and boys suck and everything sucks. I am the most perfect daughter in the world as I will willingly sacrifice my happiness so my mom can go boink her new honey. Woe is me. Plus, my dad sucks and my mom sucks. Also, I hate it when people want to be my friend and boys like me and ask me out. It's sooooo annoying. I wish everyone didn't fall madly in love with me. Then I wouldn't have to be so magnanimous and get the guy who loves me to date my friend because he can't have me, though he'd drop her in a second if I ever came around. w0e

Pages 101-200 OMG sparkly diamond vampire! I am the most irresistible girl in the world!
Edward: You can't be with me! But you must stay with me!
Bella: Don't send me away! *cries* I fear nothing!
Edward: Go! No, stay! (repeat)

Pages 201-300 Edward: let me explain to you everything about my life and why we are nice kind-hearted vampires, though you should really fear me. Also, I glitter like diamonds in the sun.

Pages 301-400 We are happy vampires! We play vampire baseball! It's just like normal baseball, but--with vampires!

Pages 401-450 OMG, there's a plot in this book? Oh…wait…never mind.

Pages 451-500 My parents are idiots.
Edward: I love you!
Bella: I love you!
Edward: No, I love you!
Bella: No, I love you!

Epilogue OMG I can't believe my perfect boyfriend took me to prom. He's such a bastard. Also, he refuses to turn me into a vampire cause he's a meany face. *whines* Our love will last 4EVAR!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!

In conclusion, five hundred pages and NOTHING HAPPENS. Lamest. Vampire. Novel. Ever.