Just Listen
Oct. 6th, 2003 07:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ivyficMy very first actual fic!
TITLE: Just Listen
AUTHOR: Ivy
RATING: R (violence)
CATEGORY: Angst Clark/Lex
SPOILERS: Only a very little for Heat.
SUMMARY: Clex. Slash. That line Lex gave in “Dichotomy” about having a self-destructive phase got me thinking…. Lex reveals a secret from his past. I imagine this story happens after Clark and Lex have been together awhile, and are completely comfortable with each other.
ARCHIVE: Ask me first.
FEEDBACK: This is my first real fic, so let me know if I’m on the right track here.
DISCLAIMER: These ain’t my peeps, never have been. Nobody asked me or paid me to do this, so there. The story itself is my intellectual property, so ask me before you do anything to it.
“Don’t react, just listen.” – line from some play or other that I saw in the last four years. Gee, that narrows the field. (right)
Just Listen
The mid-June heat wave drove Clark to his hideout in the barn. True, it was still ninety degrees, but at least there was a breeze here, unlike the house. That place just seemed to hold the heat in. And here he could watch the sky begin to change colors. Clark heard the floorboards creak, and turned to see Lex saunter in, blazer in hand. “How was school?” Lex asked.
“Eh,” Clark replied. “After the fires during the heat wave last fall, the school board sprang for a little A/C. Not that they think the heat caused the fire in bio, but it seems a more plausible explanation than horny-boy set it on fire with his eyes.”
Lex snorted, and sat down next to Clark, tossing his blazer into a corner. “Aren’t you hot?” Clark asked.
“I’ve been in meetings all day. And if anything, the climate is a little too controlled at the plant. I didn’t really notice the heat till I came over here, but now that you mention it, yeah.” Lex unbuttoned his perennial collared shirt, and tossed it into the corner after his blazer, sitting back down in a white t-shirt.
He leaned back against Clark to watch the sunset. Clark wrapped his arms around Lex’s waist and started playing with his hands. It was funny how Clark did that, Lex thought. Like the thin fingers were more beautiful than the setting sun. Clark turned Lex’s palms up, then seemed to stiffen; Lex could feel the change without having to turn around. “Lex…” Clark said in that tone he used only when he was suspicious. “What are these?” Clark ran his fingers across Lex’s wrists, the light touch almost tickling. Maybe it would have tickled if Lex hadn’t known exactly what Clark was talking about. On each wrist, running across the blue veins, were faint white lines. Scars. Nobody noticed them, usually. His skin was too pale for them to stand out. Damn that Kryptonian vision. Clark had a way of seeing things Lex didn’t want him to see.
“Nothing,” Lex said, starting for his shirt. “I, uh, just remembered I have to go over some papers for tomorrow…” Lex lied worse than Clark sometimes.
“Don’t go, Lex. You can tell me. You know that.”
Lex paused, back turned. “It was stupid. I was just young and stupid. That’s all.”
“No, Lex, it isn’t. I want to know.”
Lex stopped, and looked at Clark. His face was so earnest. And so hurt. I guess he thought he knew everything about me, Lex thought. Well, he’s a long way from that. Lex could feel the wall in himself coming up, the one that shut off everything that others could use to hurt him. The one that kept Clark from really knowing him. He looked into Clark’s eyes and realized he didn’t want to lose this. And he wanted to tell Clark. He sat back down, Clark close beside him. Lex looked ahead of him as he spoke, knowing he couldn’t bear to see Clark’s reactions to his words. Having a boyfriend who was so open with his emotions wasn’t always a good thing.
“After my mother died, and Pamela left, things were … hard. I don’t know if my father loved her or grieved for her, but I know he never showed it. And I wasn’t supposed to either. I was too scared. Of him. I didn’t know what would happen if he saw me crying so I never did. I tried not to think about, tried to get away from myself. My father sent me away to boarding school. I’m sure he thought it best at the time. He’s not really good with children. When I was there, it wasn’t too bad. I was kind of a loner, but that meant at least I didn’t have to worry about what other people thought.
“Metropolis was a different matter. My father wouldn’t leave me alone. If I was in the house at all, any time he saw me I’d get a lecture. Greek history or what it meant to be a Luthor. Destiny. Shit. I was fourteen. I didn’t want a destiny. All I ever thought about was escaping. I spent as much time out as possible. Being fourteen doesn’t mean you can’t get into bars if you’re a Luthor. Everyone wants to suck up to you. I liked that, but I hated what it made me. I just didn’t want to be me, anymore. I actually had a dream about living somewhere on a farm. Don’t even think about laughing,” Lex glanced at Clark, who was smiling gently.
“Pretty soon I met a kid who showed me how to drink. Not a kid, really I guess. He was at least four years older than me. I loved being drunk. Sure, the throwing up wasn’t so fun, but when you’re drunk, no one blames you if you express emotion. I felt so free. I could do or say anything, and no one cared. And if you drink enough, you just stop thinking altogether. That was the best. The great gap that lasted until I woke up back at home with my father staring at me. Some servant would always find me and bring me back. He must’ve had me followed. I went to a different place every night. He wouldn’t yell at me or hit me, but sometimes I wished he would. Just something to let me know I could hurt him the way he hurt me. He would just look at me and say, ‘I’m disappointed in you, Lex. I thought being a Luthor meant more to you than that.’ Then came the kicker. ‘What would your mother think if she saw what you’ve made of yourself?’ It made me feel so sick inside. I couldn’t wait to get away again.
“I was sixteen before I tried drugs. I did everything I could get my hands on. Cocaine, heroine, LSD, PCP… Anything that let me not be me for awhile. It didn’t matter who I was with or what we did. My whole life felt unreal. One night I sort of stopped. And I looked at the people around me. They weren’t my friends. They didn’t care about me. And I didn’t care about them. I used them, all of them, like objects. Little chess pieces that I moved around to get me more drugs, more sex, more escape. And I sort of thought, Lionel would be so proud of me. I bet this is the exact way he thinks about me. His own little heir to move around wherever he wants. I didn’t hate him at that moment, I hated me.
“I wish I could say I was drunk. Or high. But I wasn’t. I had to go back to school the next day, so I hadn’t taken anything hard. I may have been a user, but I wasn’t stupid. I left the club, and on my way home bought a pack of razor blades. The kind you use in those old razors – the ones that they have little slots for in the walls of hotels. I remember thinking that I was just like him. That I would end up crushing people the way he did. I could see my future out in front of me, and it was full of lives I destroyed in the name of Luthorcorp. And he was smiling at me. The perfect son, accepted at last. It didn’t seem like I had a choice. That’s what would happen, he’d make sure of that. Destiny. And I could only think of one way to make it not come true.
“I did it in his master bathroom. I don’t know why I chose there. It just seemed appropriate. . He was at a meeting. With Japan, I think. Different time zone.
“Who first thought of slitting their wrists? It really is the stupidest thing to try. I mean, who would even think of that possibility if they hadn’t seen it on TV? I mean, gun, drug overdose, tall building, those seem obvious. But this? It hurt like hell. I’ve never been in that much pain. You know, the Romans were on to something. Crucifixion was really designed to maximize pain. The wrist is one of the most sensitive areas of the body.
“I had to cut a couple times before I got an artery. It’s not as easy as it looks. And after I’d done one, I could barely hold the blade to do the other. But I felt like I had to. The Luthor in me. Don’t start anything you’re not going to finish, Lex. There are no second chances, Lex, you have to do it right the first time. If you are going to get what you want, Lex, you have to sacrifice. How’s this Dad? How about me? I’m I a good enough sacrifice?
“I turned on the water, like I’d seen in movies, and watched my blood go down the drain. That was the mistake. They heard the running water, and came to check on it. And found me. The servants. I didn’t even have the dignity to be unconscious by then. I could see every horrified look they gave me, and hear the maid screaming. They made me lie down and raise my arms above my head to stop the blood. Called 911. I didn’t try to fight them. I just felt that I’d lost everything. Even this hope. And I cried. It was the first time I cried since Mom died.
“They were taking me out on the stretcher when he came home. He looked at me, and didn’t react at all. No concern, no fear, no shock, nothing. He just watched me go. His only son, and he didn’t even ask what had happened. Just continued walking into the building.
“No one visited me at the hospital. The doctors kept talking to me, trying to make sure I wouldn’t try it again. They didn’t have to worry about that. I was really scared by what I’d done.
“He never came back to that apartment. Bought another one, and lived there. Left me in the old one with the servants until I was ready to go back to the next term of school. The next time I went home, there were different servants, ones who didn’t know. He made sure everyone at the hospital was paid off, and no newspaper ever found out. And everything was back to the normal dysfunctional Luthor way. He never talked to me about it, just pretended it didn’t happen. But I knew he saw me differently. Weak.
“So, what do you think of me now? What kind of a man would do something like that?”
Author's note: That really honest to god is the end of the fic. Blame Sydni_64 for that. She made me take off the original ending. You wouldn't believe the number of emails I've gotten asking for the rest of the fic. One person even wrote me an end, which was terrible. If you ask really nicely I might send it to you.
TITLE: Just Listen
AUTHOR: Ivy
RATING: R (violence)
CATEGORY: Angst Clark/Lex
SPOILERS: Only a very little for Heat.
SUMMARY: Clex. Slash. That line Lex gave in “Dichotomy” about having a self-destructive phase got me thinking…. Lex reveals a secret from his past. I imagine this story happens after Clark and Lex have been together awhile, and are completely comfortable with each other.
ARCHIVE: Ask me first.
FEEDBACK: This is my first real fic, so let me know if I’m on the right track here.
DISCLAIMER: These ain’t my peeps, never have been. Nobody asked me or paid me to do this, so there. The story itself is my intellectual property, so ask me before you do anything to it.
“Don’t react, just listen.” – line from some play or other that I saw in the last four years. Gee, that narrows the field. (right)
Just Listen
The mid-June heat wave drove Clark to his hideout in the barn. True, it was still ninety degrees, but at least there was a breeze here, unlike the house. That place just seemed to hold the heat in. And here he could watch the sky begin to change colors. Clark heard the floorboards creak, and turned to see Lex saunter in, blazer in hand. “How was school?” Lex asked.
“Eh,” Clark replied. “After the fires during the heat wave last fall, the school board sprang for a little A/C. Not that they think the heat caused the fire in bio, but it seems a more plausible explanation than horny-boy set it on fire with his eyes.”
Lex snorted, and sat down next to Clark, tossing his blazer into a corner. “Aren’t you hot?” Clark asked.
“I’ve been in meetings all day. And if anything, the climate is a little too controlled at the plant. I didn’t really notice the heat till I came over here, but now that you mention it, yeah.” Lex unbuttoned his perennial collared shirt, and tossed it into the corner after his blazer, sitting back down in a white t-shirt.
He leaned back against Clark to watch the sunset. Clark wrapped his arms around Lex’s waist and started playing with his hands. It was funny how Clark did that, Lex thought. Like the thin fingers were more beautiful than the setting sun. Clark turned Lex’s palms up, then seemed to stiffen; Lex could feel the change without having to turn around. “Lex…” Clark said in that tone he used only when he was suspicious. “What are these?” Clark ran his fingers across Lex’s wrists, the light touch almost tickling. Maybe it would have tickled if Lex hadn’t known exactly what Clark was talking about. On each wrist, running across the blue veins, were faint white lines. Scars. Nobody noticed them, usually. His skin was too pale for them to stand out. Damn that Kryptonian vision. Clark had a way of seeing things Lex didn’t want him to see.
“Nothing,” Lex said, starting for his shirt. “I, uh, just remembered I have to go over some papers for tomorrow…” Lex lied worse than Clark sometimes.
“Don’t go, Lex. You can tell me. You know that.”
Lex paused, back turned. “It was stupid. I was just young and stupid. That’s all.”
“No, Lex, it isn’t. I want to know.”
Lex stopped, and looked at Clark. His face was so earnest. And so hurt. I guess he thought he knew everything about me, Lex thought. Well, he’s a long way from that. Lex could feel the wall in himself coming up, the one that shut off everything that others could use to hurt him. The one that kept Clark from really knowing him. He looked into Clark’s eyes and realized he didn’t want to lose this. And he wanted to tell Clark. He sat back down, Clark close beside him. Lex looked ahead of him as he spoke, knowing he couldn’t bear to see Clark’s reactions to his words. Having a boyfriend who was so open with his emotions wasn’t always a good thing.
“After my mother died, and Pamela left, things were … hard. I don’t know if my father loved her or grieved for her, but I know he never showed it. And I wasn’t supposed to either. I was too scared. Of him. I didn’t know what would happen if he saw me crying so I never did. I tried not to think about, tried to get away from myself. My father sent me away to boarding school. I’m sure he thought it best at the time. He’s not really good with children. When I was there, it wasn’t too bad. I was kind of a loner, but that meant at least I didn’t have to worry about what other people thought.
“Metropolis was a different matter. My father wouldn’t leave me alone. If I was in the house at all, any time he saw me I’d get a lecture. Greek history or what it meant to be a Luthor. Destiny. Shit. I was fourteen. I didn’t want a destiny. All I ever thought about was escaping. I spent as much time out as possible. Being fourteen doesn’t mean you can’t get into bars if you’re a Luthor. Everyone wants to suck up to you. I liked that, but I hated what it made me. I just didn’t want to be me, anymore. I actually had a dream about living somewhere on a farm. Don’t even think about laughing,” Lex glanced at Clark, who was smiling gently.
“Pretty soon I met a kid who showed me how to drink. Not a kid, really I guess. He was at least four years older than me. I loved being drunk. Sure, the throwing up wasn’t so fun, but when you’re drunk, no one blames you if you express emotion. I felt so free. I could do or say anything, and no one cared. And if you drink enough, you just stop thinking altogether. That was the best. The great gap that lasted until I woke up back at home with my father staring at me. Some servant would always find me and bring me back. He must’ve had me followed. I went to a different place every night. He wouldn’t yell at me or hit me, but sometimes I wished he would. Just something to let me know I could hurt him the way he hurt me. He would just look at me and say, ‘I’m disappointed in you, Lex. I thought being a Luthor meant more to you than that.’ Then came the kicker. ‘What would your mother think if she saw what you’ve made of yourself?’ It made me feel so sick inside. I couldn’t wait to get away again.
“I was sixteen before I tried drugs. I did everything I could get my hands on. Cocaine, heroine, LSD, PCP… Anything that let me not be me for awhile. It didn’t matter who I was with or what we did. My whole life felt unreal. One night I sort of stopped. And I looked at the people around me. They weren’t my friends. They didn’t care about me. And I didn’t care about them. I used them, all of them, like objects. Little chess pieces that I moved around to get me more drugs, more sex, more escape. And I sort of thought, Lionel would be so proud of me. I bet this is the exact way he thinks about me. His own little heir to move around wherever he wants. I didn’t hate him at that moment, I hated me.
“I wish I could say I was drunk. Or high. But I wasn’t. I had to go back to school the next day, so I hadn’t taken anything hard. I may have been a user, but I wasn’t stupid. I left the club, and on my way home bought a pack of razor blades. The kind you use in those old razors – the ones that they have little slots for in the walls of hotels. I remember thinking that I was just like him. That I would end up crushing people the way he did. I could see my future out in front of me, and it was full of lives I destroyed in the name of Luthorcorp. And he was smiling at me. The perfect son, accepted at last. It didn’t seem like I had a choice. That’s what would happen, he’d make sure of that. Destiny. And I could only think of one way to make it not come true.
“I did it in his master bathroom. I don’t know why I chose there. It just seemed appropriate. . He was at a meeting. With Japan, I think. Different time zone.
“Who first thought of slitting their wrists? It really is the stupidest thing to try. I mean, who would even think of that possibility if they hadn’t seen it on TV? I mean, gun, drug overdose, tall building, those seem obvious. But this? It hurt like hell. I’ve never been in that much pain. You know, the Romans were on to something. Crucifixion was really designed to maximize pain. The wrist is one of the most sensitive areas of the body.
“I had to cut a couple times before I got an artery. It’s not as easy as it looks. And after I’d done one, I could barely hold the blade to do the other. But I felt like I had to. The Luthor in me. Don’t start anything you’re not going to finish, Lex. There are no second chances, Lex, you have to do it right the first time. If you are going to get what you want, Lex, you have to sacrifice. How’s this Dad? How about me? I’m I a good enough sacrifice?
“I turned on the water, like I’d seen in movies, and watched my blood go down the drain. That was the mistake. They heard the running water, and came to check on it. And found me. The servants. I didn’t even have the dignity to be unconscious by then. I could see every horrified look they gave me, and hear the maid screaming. They made me lie down and raise my arms above my head to stop the blood. Called 911. I didn’t try to fight them. I just felt that I’d lost everything. Even this hope. And I cried. It was the first time I cried since Mom died.
“They were taking me out on the stretcher when he came home. He looked at me, and didn’t react at all. No concern, no fear, no shock, nothing. He just watched me go. His only son, and he didn’t even ask what had happened. Just continued walking into the building.
“No one visited me at the hospital. The doctors kept talking to me, trying to make sure I wouldn’t try it again. They didn’t have to worry about that. I was really scared by what I’d done.
“He never came back to that apartment. Bought another one, and lived there. Left me in the old one with the servants until I was ready to go back to the next term of school. The next time I went home, there were different servants, ones who didn’t know. He made sure everyone at the hospital was paid off, and no newspaper ever found out. And everything was back to the normal dysfunctional Luthor way. He never talked to me about it, just pretended it didn’t happen. But I knew he saw me differently. Weak.
“So, what do you think of me now? What kind of a man would do something like that?”
Author's note: That really honest to god is the end of the fic. Blame Sydni_64 for that. She made me take off the original ending. You wouldn't believe the number of emails I've gotten asking for the rest of the fic. One person even wrote me an end, which was terrible. If you ask really nicely I might send it to you.
