ivyfic: (Default)
Yuletide reveal! I got Pretender, and of course I took a TV show where the main character spends every episode as a soldier, fire fighter, policeman, doctor, and chose to make him an accountant. My biases, they are obvious.

Entertainment Weekly recently did an article of the iconic show for each of the fifty states. For Delaware, it was Pretender, with this as the explanation: "Well, something had to take place in Delaware." Yup.

Title: A Greater Sense of Security Than Warranted
Fandom: Pretender
Tags: Sydney, Jarod, pre-series

Summary: "They are all related. Because I chose them. I’m the common factor."


A Greater Sense of Security Than Warranted
ivyfic: (Default)
After yesterday's post, I of course had to go home and watch some Pretender. It turns out I was confusing his devirginifying episode with his only other love interest on the show.

"Ranger Jarod" - The season one pop the cherry episode. Just as awkward as I remembered, but the woman is not actually annoying in anyway. She's self-assured, confident, and independent. She clearly likes Jarod immediately, but doesn't put any demands or make any moves on him. She has a tragic past, but it actually plays okay. This doesn't mitigate how kind of uncomfortable the sex scene still is (and by sex scene, I mean pan to campfire). More uncomfortable are the flashbacks to young Jarod meeting young Miss Parker for the first time and popping a boner--I'm sorry, and having his heart race. Those are just--squirm. Also of note, Jarod goes shirtless and he is...hirsute. I don't know if there was any manscaping going on, but that man has some chest hair. It's just unusual to see given how much modern shows only show hairless chests. I thought it was mostly hairless by the nineties, but Pretender is apparently an outlier.

"Road Trip" - This was the romantic episode of EXCRUCIATING OMG. It was season four, which is already a bad indicator as that whole season was pretty worthless. And Zoe is manic pixie on steroids. She's on the run from her cop ex-boyfriend in a red convertible with a suitcase full of money! She kisses Jarod to hide from ex! She gives $200 to girls at a lemonade stand because she wants to see "what a dream coming true looks like"! She is a few miles from being out of crazy cop ex-boyfriend's jurisdiction by crossing state lines but decides no! She will be spontaneous! They will go north instead! She introduces Jarod to her grandmother as her husband, the aerospace engineer! She sees signs for a carnival and they most go win all the games! She sees a pool and they must skinny dip! She and Jarod sleep together and she handcuffs him to the bed and runs out on him! And of course she is dying of cancer and has an identical twin who died tragically.

And, of course, Jarod falls in love with her. For only the second time in the series, Jarod's in love. And it's with this hyperactive psychopath.

It's just--blergh. There is no Mary Sue fanfic I have ever written that is as bad as that.


I also watched "Gigolo Jarod" and I will note that Jarod very explicitly does not sleep with anyone while being a gigolo. The woman he's stalking trying to help hires him to stand around and look pretty. A housewife hires him to make her husband jealous, and Jarod nobly doesn't sleep with her but instead fixes the marriage. And the client we see him with at the beginning just "talked." Because if I paid $5,000 for a gigolo that looked like Michael T. Weiss, I would totally spend the evening talking to him because that's all women really want, right? A man who listens? Not, you know, cunnilungus?

This brings me to another thing about Pretender. Person of Interest is a similar show--tall, dark and scary dude poses as different things to help different people each week. Except on PoI, the people he's trying to help most often go WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU and/or run away. Whereas everyone immediately trusts Jarod. Yes, if there was a tall, muscular man wearing all black, a leather jacket, wrap-around sunglasses and spiked hair lurking around my apartment building my first instinct would be to tell him my life story. Not to think he's a hitman. *headdesk*
ivyfic: (Default)
I was listening to the soundtrack for Pretender this morning, by the excellently named Velton Ray Bunch. That soundtrack is awesome. And by awesome, I mean terrible. It's the techno from the show, but as like a bad DJ remix, with dialogue overlaid. I'm telling you, it's gold.

So you guys remember Pretender? I used to obsessed with that show. Listening to it reminded me of some things, though, so this rant comes from a time capsule.

First of all, no show has ever more crushingly disappointed me with its finale than that show. It's worse than, say, the end of Twin Peaks, cause in this case, it got cancelled on a cliffhanger, but then TNT gave the producers the opportunity to make two made-for-TV movies, just enough to tie everything up, and they fucked it up. There will never be a worse two hours of television than Pretender: Island of the Haunted. I include the Lois and Clark five-part Lois gets amnesia and thinks she's the heroine in a trashy romance novel and Clark marries a frog-eating clone arc. Island of the Haunted is THE WORST.

But that's not what I wanted rant about. What I wanted to rant about is this:

Jarod is canonically a virgin when he leaves the center. And there is the obligatory de-virginifying episode. But they can't have him lose it with Miss Parker, the push-pull, will they-won't they antagonist. So he gets his cherry popped by a walk-on, one episode character.

This episode was EXCRUCIATING to watch. I still remember my fiery hate. Here's the problem: you can't have a walk-on character pop the hero's cherry without her being an ENORMOUS MARY SUE. It's not possible. She has to show up as the specialist thing that every specialed. What I remember of this episode is it's some sort of rustic cabin-in-the-woods scenario, and she's a fragile bird type of character, and it's all treacly and soft focus and WRETCHED.

Now I am thinking about this, and what are Jarod's main character traits? Curiosity, wonder, and fanatical obsession. He does things like spend two whole days flipping a coin without stopping. He masters everything sooper fast. Practically every episode, someone's telling Miss Parker that Jarod played pool obsessively for a week and then was the best pool player who ever pooled. And we know that when he experiences new pleasures, he gets incredibly excited about them and wants to share them with everybody. See, ice cream.

He also learns new skills before he goes undercover. And there is an episode where he is a gigolo. I believe before the devirginifying--I don't remember. (ETA: Just double-checked--it is after, and he does leave a copy of the Kama Sutra behind.)

So, given the character of Jarod, this is how I'd actually expect him to lose his virginity: He'd go to a sex club. Probably a kinky one, given the BDSM (leatherleatherleather) vibes of the show, and that Jarod never met anything he didn't skip straight to the advanced level on. After the first time, he'd be going up to everyone in the club like "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A BLOWJOB? AREN'T THEY AWESOME? Here, let me spread the joy." And after three days he'd have worn everybody out, tried everything in the kama sutra and written a new chapter, and be teaching the most experienced dom a thing or two.

Because that's how he encounters new experiences.

Instead we got sweet candlelight and awful awful slow jazz. Oh, Pretender, you are still a disappointment all these years later.
ivyfic: (jarod)
I am watching the Pretender episode "Pool," starring Tim DeKay with an atrocious Southern accent. It's funny that I remember this episode pretty well--it was one of the few I had on tape--except for the fact that the guest stars are Tim DeKay and Jennifer Garner.

Tim DeKay was also apparently a recurring character on SeaQuest 2032. ...I don't think I can watch that, even for baby DeKay.

ETA: I'm just watching this picturing it as Peter Burke undercover. Neal's somewhere in a surveillance van shaking his head.
ivyfic: (jarod)
Crossposted with Pretender100, for this week's challenge.

Title: Red Tape
Rating: PG-13 for obscenity
Challenge: Lyle's Car
Word count: 197

Red Tape )

Read on AO3.
ivyfic: (Default)
I'm posting *gasp*! And I actually finished a story tonight *double gasp*! OK, so it's a drabble. Still, I'm proud of myself.

And now, for my first (totally un-betaed) foray into The Pretender:

Title: Busking
Author: Ivy
Fandom: The Pretender
Rating: G
Pairing: gen
Feedback: Pleeeeeease!
Disclaimer: I wish Jarod was mine, I really do, but alas.

Busking )

Read on AO3.

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