ivyfic | (no subject)

In my quest to watch all things David Hewlett, I just watched "Boa vs. Python" - one of those crappy direct to video Scifi features. So as to not waste my time (ha!) I put the movie on double-speed for all scenes not featuring DH. Since PowerDVD still plays sound at double speed, this saved time and was still incredibly amusing.

Come see Boa vs. Python for:
-A snake in goggles!
-Jokes about "implants"!
-A hundred-foot snake eating a woman out (and by the sounds she was making, he was better than her boyfriend)!
-As much female nudity as you can have in a film and still get it on the scifi channel! (I swear if they spent half the time and attention on the script as they did on framing shots so they showed tits and ass but nothing else, it would have been ... no it still would have sucked.)
-And - best of all - despite it being a creature vs. creature film, they don't fight! They mate! How wacky is that?

What's really wacky is that David Hewlett is the hunky hero of this film. He even gets the bimbo breast-implanted (and blonde) chick! And he has teh angstz0rz for having lost his younger sister to a snake bite, thus prompting him to walk daily into a cage with an 80-foot python named "Betty."

You know, this film almost works if I just reinvision it as the story Rodney is secretly working on on his laptop. Yeah - that would definitely work. His sister tragically died (instead of torturing him through adolescence), the soldiers sent to protect his scientific self are all killed in stupid acts of heroism, he gets the blonde "brainy" chick who bows to his brilliance and understands his pain and lack of social skills, and he saves the day and is declared a hero by one and all.

Now I have an evil plot bunny of Sheppard finding that story on McKay's computer. Oh man. It is definitely, definitely time to go to sleep.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You missed the topical and insightful al-Qaeda references!

Boa vs. Python was actually a lot better than we'd expected. Not good at all, but better than expected.

I can't believe somebody else watched this! For the love of all that is holy - why?

We were looking for the tackiest-looking video in the store, but couldn't bring ourselves to rent Cheerleader Ninjas.

But all movies are made better if there are ninjas.

I thought that that title sounded familiar...

And, lo! I award you the prize of being the first person I know to have watched a movie reviewed by Something Awful...

Great! I'm still amazed that someone on my f-list also voluntarily watched this.

Yeah, I'm amazed you watched it, too. And, being that you're on my friends list, well, there you are.

You really need to watch it. These kind of movies only hurt crushes (School of Life killed me)...

And if you've read this review, there's really no need to see the film. It even points out the egregiously bad sound editing (because of course, snakes sounding like kicked gerbils when they're small and lions when they're large).

But now that I'm imagining it as Rodney's own personal Mary Sue, the badness works in its favor.

I'm still amazed that someone on my f-list
In case of confusion, I meant

nyias (see above).

You really need to watch it.
I'm confused. I did watch it. That being the purpose of my post.

You really need to watch it.
I'm confused. I did watch it. That being the purpose of my post.

Clearly, I'm the one who has to 'watch it,' in the colloquial sense, which is how I meant it. I only meant that you should beware your tendency to watch every movie with someone you like in it--it will only end up hurting you. How it could hurt you worse than Boa vs. Python I cannot hazard to guess...

Um, you're going to write that story right....right????

Maybe...

I'm worried it would be almost exactly the same as Teen Angel, though.