ivyfic | Twilight

pages 1-100 OMG My life sucks and boys suck and everything sucks. I am the most perfect daughter in the world as I will willingly sacrifice my happiness so my mom can go boink her new honey. Woe is me. Plus, my dad sucks and my mom sucks. Also, I hate it when people want to be my friend and boys like me and ask me out. It's sooooo annoying. I wish everyone didn't fall madly in love with me. Then I wouldn't have to be so magnanimous and get the guy who loves me to date my friend because he can't have me, though he'd drop her in a second if I ever came around. w0e

Pages 101-200 OMG sparkly diamond vampire! I am the most irresistible girl in the world!
Edward: You can't be with me! But you must stay with me!
Bella: Don't send me away! *cries* I fear nothing!
Edward: Go! No, stay! (repeat)

Pages 201-300 Edward: let me explain to you everything about my life and why we are nice kind-hearted vampires, though you should really fear me. Also, I glitter like diamonds in the sun.

Pages 301-400 We are happy vampires! We play vampire baseball! It's just like normal baseball, but--with vampires!

Pages 401-450 OMG, there's a plot in this book? Oh…wait…never mind.

Pages 451-500 My parents are idiots.
Edward: I love you!
Bella: I love you!
Edward: No, I love you!
Bella: No, I love you!

Epilogue OMG I can't believe my perfect boyfriend took me to prom. He's such a bastard. Also, he refuses to turn me into a vampire cause he's a meany face. *whines* Our love will last 4EVAR!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!

In conclusion, five hundred pages and NOTHING HAPPENS. Lamest. Vampire. Novel. Ever.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Someone summarized the last book for me last night. Quite a lot happens in that one...unfortunately it all sounds ridiculous.

The part that scares me is my older sister, the doctor, and her friend, who is bright as all get out and a sharp PR woman...like this series. WTF?

As I was explaining to my family, who didn't understand why I continued to read this if I didn't like it, this sort of self-indulgent wallowing can be the perfect guilty pleasure--if it hits your kinks. I think it's fair to say this doesn't. Bella is just a whiny self-involved brat, plus she's an uber-perfect most specialist human ever Mary Sue. *HATES*

But seriously--it's a novel where a human falls in love with a vampire...and nothing happens. How can nothing happen? There are vampires! We don't even get one good sucking scene! It's like all the scenes with the vampire clan are there to prove that they're all fluffy and good-natured. There'll be all this ominous build-up...oh noes, what will happen...and then nothing! It's all hugs and puppies. Pbththththth. After I certain point I was reading it so I could raz it online.

I tried to explain why I hated some character that I immediately saw was a Mary Sue to my family. I think I was talking about Veronica Mars, and I tried to make it understood how someone who's so perfect for being perfect (YET FLAWED!) is really, really annoying. Man, did I wish then that they were at all aware of fandom conventions.

I guess as a soft-pedaled vampire for the tweener set, it's okay to omit any threatening aspect of vampirism, but it's a goddamned insult to those readers to expect them to take such nonsense. As ever, kids are way smarter than adults give them credit for.

If you don't want to use the threatening part of vampires, why have vampires at all. It's especially frustrating for me when I can see the novel this could be, the one that I'd be enjoying, and it's just not this. The editor in me goes RAR!

I think by "threatening part," I mean the overt sexuality vampires have accumulated as the fiction around them has evolved. By neutering some of that, you make it more "age-appropriate"--aka you won't be attacked by parents' groups for corrupting their kids.

Doesn't mean I don't agree--take that away, and what's even the point? I mean, far as I can tell, Dracula was written exactly for that point--to tittilate!

I've never read any of the books, but I think I've become addicted to the satirical commentaries, which are like an artform unto themselves.

Sparkly diamond vampires. We are this close to glitter and unicorns.

I actually think I want to see the movie now because:
a) sparkly diamond vampires
b) it can't possibly have less plot than the book and
c) if it does, it least there'll be a cute boy to look at.

Yeah, that about sums it up. Plot? What plot? Without the porn. However, I think she keeps up this heavy-handed adolescen will-they-won't-they sexual tension. That might be the reason why it's popular, especially with the tweeners, obsessed with sex but no quite ready to look at it head-on. So to speak.

I have to admit, it's pretty hot and heavy for a tweener PG-rated novel. Except I'm so spoiled by fic now, I'm just going for god's sake, get it on already. Your whiny UST is getting annoying.

Also, vampire/human love stories have been done so many times and so much better it's just galling that this one seems unaware of the potential in the set-up. Of course, Stephenie Meyer seems to have parlayed this turd into obscene commercial success, so a part of me is in awe.

My MIL recommended the damn thing to me.

I dunno - not quite feeling the hate. It's a teenage romance novel - I don't think it's any worse than a lot of the others in the genre. OK, so it's got vampires, whatever. It was at the right place at the right time. Still hate Dan Brown more - at least this doesn't inspire conspiracy theories.

Twilight

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