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A/N: Balance of Days
Some thoughts on my story Balance of Days and why I wrote it and why I didn't post it for so long. So, obviously, spoilers for the story.
Author's Notes, the Extended Self-Indulgent Edition
I started writing this in February because I desperately wanted some stories where one of the brothers thinks the other one is dead, but he really isn't. It seemed obvious to me that there would be stories like this out there—I mean, for each of the brothers, losing the other is their worst nightmare, so it seemed like the perfect thing to explore in fic since the show would never go there (or so I thought). Like I giant red button that says "do not press," I had to push it; I just had to see what grief would be like for these boys. Which is how I ended up writing this thing.
And then AHBL aired and they actually killed Sam, and now we have a canon version of Dean grieving for Sam. I wouldn't change that for the world, but part of me was watching it and going no! That's not how I thought it would go at all! I had a completely different version of Dean's grief, which is why I didn't post the story for so long.
Originally, I wanted to show Dean through the years after losing Sam, and show that though he'd never get over it, he would get on with his life. Hence the title "Balance of Days"—it was supposed to be the rest of Dean's days after losing Sam. But then I decided that was too much work and too depressing (and I have enough depressing stories already, dammit!) and it turned into this.
What I really wanted to show (and I don't think I did) is that the brothers would be okay in the end. I have seen so many stories in so many fandoms (yes, I'm looking at you, Sentinel fandom) where one half of an OTP loses the other, and they stop eating and spend their days staring out at the ocean with tears in their eyes, alternately having psychotic episodes and cutting themselves. And just—no. Most main characters in most fandoms are functional people. Damaged, maladjusted, self-destructive, yes, but they do manage to get by day to day without killing themselves.
It's easy to imagine Sam continuing on without Dean, but given how much of everything Dean does is about Sam, it would be too easy, I think, to think of him as just giving up and shrivelling away if Sam died. But I think he's stronger than that. He would never recover, but he'd keep going, cause that's what people do. People suffer losses and are damaged by them but they still live their lives, and I think for Dean, his loss would be shown to be more profound if he did continue on hunting on his own.
Of course I didn't really explore that in this story since I focussed on the immediate aftermath of the loss, but I also wanted to show the difference in their grief, and what that means about how differently each viewed the other. Sam lost his protector and his role model, but Dean lost his purpose. Which is why Sam focussed on the problem-solving (why did this happen) and Dean just ran (though I think he'd've gotten off that bed at the Roadhouse eventually).
Then AHBL comes along and completely eradicates my view of Dean muddling through in the aftermath of loss. What the show gave us was a Dean so desperate and devestated that he literally could not function without Sam. So much for me seeing him as a stronger person...
Author's Notes, the Extended Self-Indulgent Edition
I started writing this in February because I desperately wanted some stories where one of the brothers thinks the other one is dead, but he really isn't. It seemed obvious to me that there would be stories like this out there—I mean, for each of the brothers, losing the other is their worst nightmare, so it seemed like the perfect thing to explore in fic since the show would never go there (or so I thought). Like I giant red button that says "do not press," I had to push it; I just had to see what grief would be like for these boys. Which is how I ended up writing this thing.
And then AHBL aired and they actually killed Sam, and now we have a canon version of Dean grieving for Sam. I wouldn't change that for the world, but part of me was watching it and going no! That's not how I thought it would go at all! I had a completely different version of Dean's grief, which is why I didn't post the story for so long.
Originally, I wanted to show Dean through the years after losing Sam, and show that though he'd never get over it, he would get on with his life. Hence the title "Balance of Days"—it was supposed to be the rest of Dean's days after losing Sam. But then I decided that was too much work and too depressing (and I have enough depressing stories already, dammit!) and it turned into this.
What I really wanted to show (and I don't think I did) is that the brothers would be okay in the end. I have seen so many stories in so many fandoms (yes, I'm looking at you, Sentinel fandom) where one half of an OTP loses the other, and they stop eating and spend their days staring out at the ocean with tears in their eyes, alternately having psychotic episodes and cutting themselves. And just—no. Most main characters in most fandoms are functional people. Damaged, maladjusted, self-destructive, yes, but they do manage to get by day to day without killing themselves.
It's easy to imagine Sam continuing on without Dean, but given how much of everything Dean does is about Sam, it would be too easy, I think, to think of him as just giving up and shrivelling away if Sam died. But I think he's stronger than that. He would never recover, but he'd keep going, cause that's what people do. People suffer losses and are damaged by them but they still live their lives, and I think for Dean, his loss would be shown to be more profound if he did continue on hunting on his own.
Of course I didn't really explore that in this story since I focussed on the immediate aftermath of the loss, but I also wanted to show the difference in their grief, and what that means about how differently each viewed the other. Sam lost his protector and his role model, but Dean lost his purpose. Which is why Sam focussed on the problem-solving (why did this happen) and Dean just ran (though I think he'd've gotten off that bed at the Roadhouse eventually).
Then AHBL comes along and completely eradicates my view of Dean muddling through in the aftermath of loss. What the show gave us was a Dean so desperate and devestated that he literally could not function without Sam. So much for me seeing him as a stronger person...
no subject
I was trying to show with Dean, written as this was mid-season 2, what the burden of protecting Sam does to him. Losing Sam is something that he dreads, so if Sam died, he would be released from that incredible burden of fear and responsibility. It's sort of like talking about the sugar-coating on a cyanide pill, but I think his grief would be complicated and worsened by relief that at least, now that the worst had come to pass, he no longer had anything to fear.
The corollary to that is that when Sam turns up alive, Dean has to shoulder that burden again. I don't know how, but a sequel to this fic would have to show how much harder it was for Dean to take on that dread again after being free of it.
no subject
If Dean died, I think it would be a process of years of Sam discovering more and more new ways that he misses his brother.
I agree. And that's why I think the dying of grief thing is so empty to me a storyline. Because it's too simplistic, and it's an interchangeable story with any other 2 characters who have been close and suffered loss. Whereas knowing what would cause Sam pain months or years down the line is very specific. It's also very realistic, loss happens like that, blindsiding you with things you didn't even realize until the gap appears.
think his grief would be complicated and worsened by relief that at least, now that the worst had come to pass, he no longer had anything to fear.
It's interesting that you would say that. I wrote a meta not long ago about how I felt that WIaWNSB might very well have been prompted by Dean's feelings of guilt on this subject.
y I'm so fascinated by trying to examine Dean when he has no one else's dream to guide him. If you cut him off from people he cares about, what would he do? I think the answer given to us by "Route 666" is that he'd find someone else to care about and adopt their dreams.
Huh, I hadn't thought of that but I find that very plausible. I agree, I think that Dean has needs but not dreams.
no subject
So, sequel huh???
HUH???