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A/N: Balance of Days
Some thoughts on my story Balance of Days and why I wrote it and why I didn't post it for so long. So, obviously, spoilers for the story.
Author's Notes, the Extended Self-Indulgent Edition
I started writing this in February because I desperately wanted some stories where one of the brothers thinks the other one is dead, but he really isn't. It seemed obvious to me that there would be stories like this out there—I mean, for each of the brothers, losing the other is their worst nightmare, so it seemed like the perfect thing to explore in fic since the show would never go there (or so I thought). Like I giant red button that says "do not press," I had to push it; I just had to see what grief would be like for these boys. Which is how I ended up writing this thing.
And then AHBL aired and they actually killed Sam, and now we have a canon version of Dean grieving for Sam. I wouldn't change that for the world, but part of me was watching it and going no! That's not how I thought it would go at all! I had a completely different version of Dean's grief, which is why I didn't post the story for so long.
Originally, I wanted to show Dean through the years after losing Sam, and show that though he'd never get over it, he would get on with his life. Hence the title "Balance of Days"—it was supposed to be the rest of Dean's days after losing Sam. But then I decided that was too much work and too depressing (and I have enough depressing stories already, dammit!) and it turned into this.
What I really wanted to show (and I don't think I did) is that the brothers would be okay in the end. I have seen so many stories in so many fandoms (yes, I'm looking at you, Sentinel fandom) where one half of an OTP loses the other, and they stop eating and spend their days staring out at the ocean with tears in their eyes, alternately having psychotic episodes and cutting themselves. And just—no. Most main characters in most fandoms are functional people. Damaged, maladjusted, self-destructive, yes, but they do manage to get by day to day without killing themselves.
It's easy to imagine Sam continuing on without Dean, but given how much of everything Dean does is about Sam, it would be too easy, I think, to think of him as just giving up and shrivelling away if Sam died. But I think he's stronger than that. He would never recover, but he'd keep going, cause that's what people do. People suffer losses and are damaged by them but they still live their lives, and I think for Dean, his loss would be shown to be more profound if he did continue on hunting on his own.
Of course I didn't really explore that in this story since I focussed on the immediate aftermath of the loss, but I also wanted to show the difference in their grief, and what that means about how differently each viewed the other. Sam lost his protector and his role model, but Dean lost his purpose. Which is why Sam focussed on the problem-solving (why did this happen) and Dean just ran (though I think he'd've gotten off that bed at the Roadhouse eventually).
Then AHBL comes along and completely eradicates my view of Dean muddling through in the aftermath of loss. What the show gave us was a Dean so desperate and devestated that he literally could not function without Sam. So much for me seeing him as a stronger person...
Author's Notes, the Extended Self-Indulgent Edition
I started writing this in February because I desperately wanted some stories where one of the brothers thinks the other one is dead, but he really isn't. It seemed obvious to me that there would be stories like this out there—I mean, for each of the brothers, losing the other is their worst nightmare, so it seemed like the perfect thing to explore in fic since the show would never go there (or so I thought). Like I giant red button that says "do not press," I had to push it; I just had to see what grief would be like for these boys. Which is how I ended up writing this thing.
And then AHBL aired and they actually killed Sam, and now we have a canon version of Dean grieving for Sam. I wouldn't change that for the world, but part of me was watching it and going no! That's not how I thought it would go at all! I had a completely different version of Dean's grief, which is why I didn't post the story for so long.
Originally, I wanted to show Dean through the years after losing Sam, and show that though he'd never get over it, he would get on with his life. Hence the title "Balance of Days"—it was supposed to be the rest of Dean's days after losing Sam. But then I decided that was too much work and too depressing (and I have enough depressing stories already, dammit!) and it turned into this.
What I really wanted to show (and I don't think I did) is that the brothers would be okay in the end. I have seen so many stories in so many fandoms (yes, I'm looking at you, Sentinel fandom) where one half of an OTP loses the other, and they stop eating and spend their days staring out at the ocean with tears in their eyes, alternately having psychotic episodes and cutting themselves. And just—no. Most main characters in most fandoms are functional people. Damaged, maladjusted, self-destructive, yes, but they do manage to get by day to day without killing themselves.
It's easy to imagine Sam continuing on without Dean, but given how much of everything Dean does is about Sam, it would be too easy, I think, to think of him as just giving up and shrivelling away if Sam died. But I think he's stronger than that. He would never recover, but he'd keep going, cause that's what people do. People suffer losses and are damaged by them but they still live their lives, and I think for Dean, his loss would be shown to be more profound if he did continue on hunting on his own.
Of course I didn't really explore that in this story since I focussed on the immediate aftermath of the loss, but I also wanted to show the difference in their grief, and what that means about how differently each viewed the other. Sam lost his protector and his role model, but Dean lost his purpose. Which is why Sam focussed on the problem-solving (why did this happen) and Dean just ran (though I think he'd've gotten off that bed at the Roadhouse eventually).
Then AHBL comes along and completely eradicates my view of Dean muddling through in the aftermath of loss. What the show gave us was a Dean so desperate and devestated that he literally could not function without Sam. So much for me seeing him as a stronger person...
Balance of Days
Re: Balance of Days
That's a good point--I hadn't thought of that. I loved that the show did go there, but I'm with you. It's much more something I'd expect in fic. I generally expect restraint when it comes to angst in canon, but I'm not at all unhappy that this show isn't holding back at all. It's my little emo angsty hurt/comfort show and I love it so. Oh, yes, and there are ghost stories too.
I also find stories where the characters must muddle through alone both more poignant and more interesting.
Yes, yes. I think beating your breast and crying to the gods is the most obvious and first choice of any writer to show grief, but you dig a little deeper and it stops being a monolithic thing--GRIEF--and becomes all the individual pains that make it unique to one person. And that's when you start to feel it instead of just recognizing it.