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Bad Movies
I've been entertaining myself lately by watching big special effects movies that were critical failures. So! Learn from my suffering:
John Carter
I've been familiar with the John Carter of Mars books from early childhood because they are some of my father's absolute favorites, from when he read them as a child. (You know what they say, the golden age of science fiction is eight.) I collected all the Edgar Rice Burroughs I could find at yard sales, and managed to piece together the whole series in an era before eBay and Project Gutenberg.
And then I read A Princess of Mars. And let me tell you--it is not good. Nothing ages worse than old science fiction, and a serialized pulp sci fi saga from 1911 ages not at all.
So, the movie. From what I remember of the book, it follows it pretty closely. Which is maybe the problem. Look--you can't really call Burroughs cliched when he was the origin of a lot of the cliches. But this plot is dumb and sexist and the movie (and book) is populated by all sorts of offensive Native American allegories. I mean, there is a race of people called the Red People, and they are played by Caucasian actors in face paint.
It's pretty incredible to see Tharks finally up on the screen--the animation is great. And this was a series that inspired a lot of people, including George Lucas. It even ends with the classic pulp cliffhanger from the book. But we need to let old sexist, racist literature die.
(Also, Michael Chabon is one of the screenplay writers? Dear god, why? And why is this film dedicated to the memory of Steve Jobs?)
A Wrinkle Time
I know I've read this book, but danged if I remember anything about it. But--did the book make this little sense? Cause the movie makes NO sense. Stunning visuals interspersed with exposition. Everyone's acting their heart out, but I dare you to tell me what even happened in this film.
Worth a look for the visuals alone, and for the first movie with a hundred million dollar budget ever to be directed by a black woman. But I could hope for something better.
The House with a Clock in its Walls
I love John Bellairs. We read a lot of Bellairs in my house when I was growing up (though entirely from his other series). So I was pretty excited when they announced they were adapting this--I mean, do they often adapt children's horror novels from the seventies?
And it's...fine.
The kid playing Lewis is just not up to the part, unfortunately, and they make some seriously weird creative decisions in the third act (like de-aging Jack Black into a baby, but keeping his adult head--nobody needed to see that). But it's. Fine. Again, I could hope for more. This pretty much ensures that they're not going to adapt any of the Bellairs books I *have* read.
Venom
This movie is incredibly not good. I'd been warned, but wow. And it's very short (under 90 minutes). Could have done something interesting, but chose not to. I see why fandom loves it, though, all of Venom's lines to Eddie come straight out of a bad romance novel.
John Carter
I've been familiar with the John Carter of Mars books from early childhood because they are some of my father's absolute favorites, from when he read them as a child. (You know what they say, the golden age of science fiction is eight.) I collected all the Edgar Rice Burroughs I could find at yard sales, and managed to piece together the whole series in an era before eBay and Project Gutenberg.
And then I read A Princess of Mars. And let me tell you--it is not good. Nothing ages worse than old science fiction, and a serialized pulp sci fi saga from 1911 ages not at all.
So, the movie. From what I remember of the book, it follows it pretty closely. Which is maybe the problem. Look--you can't really call Burroughs cliched when he was the origin of a lot of the cliches. But this plot is dumb and sexist and the movie (and book) is populated by all sorts of offensive Native American allegories. I mean, there is a race of people called the Red People, and they are played by Caucasian actors in face paint.
It's pretty incredible to see Tharks finally up on the screen--the animation is great. And this was a series that inspired a lot of people, including George Lucas. It even ends with the classic pulp cliffhanger from the book. But we need to let old sexist, racist literature die.
(Also, Michael Chabon is one of the screenplay writers? Dear god, why? And why is this film dedicated to the memory of Steve Jobs?)
A Wrinkle Time
I know I've read this book, but danged if I remember anything about it. But--did the book make this little sense? Cause the movie makes NO sense. Stunning visuals interspersed with exposition. Everyone's acting their heart out, but I dare you to tell me what even happened in this film.
Worth a look for the visuals alone, and for the first movie with a hundred million dollar budget ever to be directed by a black woman. But I could hope for something better.
The House with a Clock in its Walls
I love John Bellairs. We read a lot of Bellairs in my house when I was growing up (though entirely from his other series). So I was pretty excited when they announced they were adapting this--I mean, do they often adapt children's horror novels from the seventies?
And it's...fine.
The kid playing Lewis is just not up to the part, unfortunately, and they make some seriously weird creative decisions in the third act (like de-aging Jack Black into a baby, but keeping his adult head--nobody needed to see that). But it's. Fine. Again, I could hope for more. This pretty much ensures that they're not going to adapt any of the Bellairs books I *have* read.
Venom
This movie is incredibly not good. I'd been warned, but wow. And it's very short (under 90 minutes). Could have done something interesting, but chose not to. I see why fandom loves it, though, all of Venom's lines to Eddie come straight out of a bad romance novel.